The Marvolous Misadventures of HandLock
by Cama Larue
Summary: Three teen boys find themselves in almost every single impossible situation. Luckily a little sarcasm and a lot of stupidity can get you out of almost every situation. Probably considered crack to most, rated T for foul language.


**(Chapter 1)**

 **(When They Met)**

In the town of Morocco the parasitic disease had been spreading at an alarming rate, with everyone evacuating the chaos was never-ending. It had only stopped when the town was empty, Pavlushshenka Iachimo Gavrilovich, Aka PIG, however was wandering, rather aimlessly in search for his phone, which he swore he had dropped somewhere around there, the stench of the parasites was overwhelmingly rancid and the closer forward Pig walked the stronger it became.

As he made his way to his home he had the feeling of being watched, some of the buildings collapsed in, others burned down,"Home sweet home" Pig remarked. he walked through the front door of his home and a putrid smell hit him like a concrete wall his once beloved home was now covered in dirt and slim,he was feeling a bit uneasy now that he was at his destination in retrieval for his possession, the living room was close to pitch black, if it wasn't for the door giving light to the room he was sure to be unable to see where he was going.

He walked slowly and cautiously oblivious to the nests of parasite above his head, looking as though they were about to burst. The eery silence was quite present in the tattered dust ridden room. To his right was the kitchen, cabinets torn open and the fridge knocked over, contents spilled across the floor, The teenager's brow furrowed as recognized one of the parasites nest in the fridges opened freezer, as he was studying the nest he caught movement in his peripheral vision.

He turned toward the living room where he saw the movement at, as he crept towards the couch, the carpet crunching under his feet he heard a wriggling noise from above. As he looked up one of the nest to his right exploded, sending unnaturally white slime that look undoubtedly sticky was sent everywhere as small unidentified parasites with squid like bodies and spider like legs crawled out of the ruptured nest.

As the putrid smelling slime hit Pig he tripped on a lamp as he was recoiling backwards causing him to fall down on another nest which ruptured. This caused an uncannily unlucky chain of reactions causing several more nest to rupture. He rolled to his left, grabbed onto the coffee table to steady himself, tears streaming down his face from the awful smell of the white slime, he wiped his face clear and made a run for the door. As he stumbled out onto the streets, covered in filth he heard a vaguely familiar voice coming from down the street.

* * *

Kicking the ground with a sigh Mitch looked towards the town with a frown set firm on his face.

He had gotten there a bit late seeing as he had just finished another job involving the town however was much larger in size than the one he had just taken down. Despite the

size he wasn't ready to give up on it just yet, in the end he would probably have to call for backbackup, but for now he was determined to do his, rather cheap paying job even though It's risks where high of getting infected, by himself. He firmly walked forward looking for the nest

to start with before getting rid of anything else. Turning the corner of the street, he saw a person come to vision, confused as to why anyone would be here he approached the stumbling teenager, or what looked to be like one seeing as he was completely stark white the person looked like they had gone through an intensive bleaching process and the bleach left some sort of thick glossy coat. "What do you think you're doing? This town is suppose to be evacuated." Mitch's voice rang out with an echo as he crossed his arms unimpressed.

Whipping his face again Pig was trying to focus on the human like figure that was fifty yards away from him, "What was that?" Pig called back, he couldn't hear anything with this slime covering his head. Mitch sighed somewhat impatiently as he tiredly yawned, "This town's infected with the Flood causing parasite, meaning you shouldn't be here," With a small shake of the head he then promptly added, "By the way what's that crap you're covered in?"

Pig finally have cleared his ears, heard him this time, somewhat miffed at why this guy was being so grumpy towards he replied with, "Instead of standing there looking pretty how about you come help get this garbage off me?"

Mitch lazily shook his head as he replied, "That stuff might be contagious so no, I'm just here to do my job," Mitch then began walking towards the house Pig had just left, assuming it was where he needed to be.

Meanwhile Pig was working up a witty response replied to Mitch with, "You know just as well as I do that this stuff only insulates the eggs you lazy fatass, now help an old friend out." Mitch gave a small laugh as he replied, "Pfft sorry but being friends means nothing when it comes to getting that shit off you,,"

Giving a thumbs up as Mitch took a step into the house while pulling a small tank of spray off his back as he disappeared into the house. Meanwhile Pig was still wiping the slime off his arms and legs started walking back towards his house, scooping up a hand full of slime while doing so. He walked up behind Mitch and slapped the slime ball over his head and then making a run for it.

Mitch jolted as the wet feeling substance hit his head, unable to let go of his childish demeanor he screamed out colorful words as he chased after the thing that had hit him. Before they had knew it, they had been running for quite sometime before making the wrong move, they had been screaming insults back at one another, causing the flood to follow behind them, chasing after one another slowly turned into running together away from the danger that followed quickly behind, being able to tell which buildings were infected was quite the useful skill on Mitch's part, when they had almost scurried into a safe building, slamming the door shut and locking it, Mitch pressed his hand against the wall to support him as he breathed heavily.

Pig was bent over coughing and groaning holding his side as he heaved one breath after another. Mitch looked sideways at Pig, "Funny you were calling me the fatass, fatass."

Pig just glared at him as he got himself under control again, "What do we do now all knowing one." Pig asked sarcasm dripping from his voice. "Well Sherlock we wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for SOMEONE-" Mitch sharply looked at Pig as he continued, "Put slime on my head. I say we toss you out so you can run a few laps, maybe loose a little weight and I can have a distraction to get away."

Pig sat in silence for a few moments thinking, then replied with "Maybe if you weren't so grumpy and could take a joke then maybe we wouldn't be in here, I've always said you were 50 years older then you look, I mean did you see how slow you were running? For God's sake I was faster than you." Mitch gave a sarcastic laugh as he replied, "Me!? Slow? Yeah you tell yourself that short stack," Pig ignored this comment cause it had been used on him a hundred times before now, as he looked around he noticed some flammable barrels on the other side of the building.

"Hey! Where you going?" Mitch asked, he looked in the direction Pig was going and noticed the barrels too. "Oh yeah, lets blow up the barrels, I've always wanted to become a part of a barbecue." Pig looked over his shoulder shooting him a nasty grin as he kept walking towards the barrels, "Instead of being a sarcastic prat get over here and help me out." Said Pig as he was hauling a barrel over towards the door. "Fine, fine, but if we die I'm blaming you," Mitch rolled his eyes as he went to go get a barrel.

They both began picking the barrels up (Mitch complaining with each barrel and Pig telling him to stop being a crybaby) and placing them at the entrance where an alarming amount of Flood were beginning to break the glass door down, with a long narrow crack crept it's way down to the top.

With a groan Mitch put the last barrel down, "Alright Einstein what's the plan,"

"See that window over there." Pig nodded over to the right corner of the building, "Use that crowbar to break it, that's going to be our escape route,"

"Oh my god do you not see how far up that window is!?" Mitch complained as he dragged himself to the crowbar that sat in the dusty corner by the window.

Pig sneered at him as he pulled a lighter from his pocket, "Would you stop being such a little bitch for a second and just do what I say?"

Grumbling Mitch did as told holding the crowbar and ready to swing, Mitch gave it one swing with as much force as he could muster and the glass instantly bursted, jutting the crowbar around the frame to remove any remaining glass he was about to give a snide remark but as he turned around it was impossible to nor let his jaw drop.

Along with the glass of window breaking so did the door, though the Flood quite literally flooded in they pushed the barrels down spilling gasoline everywhere.

That wasn't the part that made Mitch so bewildered, it was when Pig decided it would be a great idea to throw the lighter down while they were still in the building.

Pig gave gave a loud cackle as the explosive flames reflected from his eyes, a crazed look followed suit. Had Mitch know his best friend was a batshit crazy pyromaniac he would've high tailed it a longed time ago, but hey the more you right?

The G force of the blast had sent the both against the wall, "Come asshat let's go," Pig called out as he turned around and jumped as high as his short legs would let him, pulling himself out the window and diving face first into the unknown.

Mitch shielded his face from the hot flames the grew increasingly bigger by the second,wasting no time he gave a small hop and with little effort pulled himself out out the window.

Right on top of Pig…

"Get off me before you break my back!" Pig screeched out as he attempted to claw his away from beneath Mitchs frame.

"Are you god damn crazy you could of put us in a hospital with what you just did!" Mitch didn't make any attempt to get off him, in fact he put even more weight down on him.

"The only one going to a hospital is me if you don't get off me dammit!" Pig snapped back as he beat his fist into the ground, no doubt tapping out, "And I'm the one who needs to lose weight?"

Mitch rolled off him with a huff, "You are, and if I need too then you got an even longer ways to go buddy,"

"Shut the hell up and help me search for my phone we aren't leaving this damn town until we find it,"

Rolling his eyes Mitch gave a huff as they began to walk near the main road, "I'm here to do my job asshat not help you in the lost and found department,"

Both making small talk and bickering ("You went into and flood infected town to find your phone? You're such as a dumbass how'd you even lose it?" "Atleast I had a reason to come here, lemme guess you lost your masculinity at prep school and came here to find it.")

Though they only ever seemed to call each other names and fought over nothing in the long time they had known one another they strangely got along quite well.

Their companionship would come in handy quite well for the long road of adventure they had a ahead

* * *

 _Hey guys! I hope you enjoy chapter 1 of this story! I should disclaim here that while this takes place in the halo universe it is purely an OC story, and could probably be considered crack on some levels. That being said there's probably tons of plot holes or stuff that is completely off from canon halo._

 _But that's okay because this story is extremely light hearted and based off of my childhood story of these characters along with the help of my brothers, it was really just a giant roleplay as kids, we were such nerds lmao that being said I'll see you guys in the next chapter!_

 _~ Cama_


End file.
